Chapter 16: Caught in Her Web

I remember, as a teenager, learning about a certain brightly coloured female spider, who, with her dance-like movements, entices the much smaller and inferior male, into her sticky web. In his excitement, he accepts her invitation, knowing full well that once he enters her web, he will get so entangled, that it is unlikely that he will ever escape her clutches. But he simply cannot resist her and sadly for him, after he fertilizes her eggs, she eats him for dinner!

This too is my story:

It is safe to say that from the moment I met this lady I was trapped in her web. I, like the male spider, could not resist her. My free will was suspended, in the face of the humungous urge to spend as much time with her as I could. 

And I know, dear reader that as you read this you are probably wondering: How could he do this, what was he thinking? The answer to this question though is a simple one: I wasn’t thinking; I could not think! Can a drunken, poisoned man think with his pre-frontal cortex? No he cannot, because after intoxication his cortex is flooded with chemicals that don’t allow for normal brain function. His neurons cannot make the appropriate connections; the chemicals that allow these connections have been diluted by foreign toxic solutions that disturb the normal electric current that flows between the cortex’s neurons. 

And so, as a result of a dysfunctional cortex, unable to reason, I contravened one of my own cardinal rules: Never see the same working girl more than twice. I continued seeing this lady on a regular basis and the more I saw of her, the more irresistible she became. It was as if she had a magic spell over me, I became more and more addicted to her. Soon my mind forced me to believe that I could not possibly live without her for another day.

Addiction then turned into obsession - she was all I could think about. When I had to concentrate on a task that I was involved in, or on a lesson I was giving; I had to constantly struggle to pull my mind away from thinking about her. Without making a conscience effort my mind would simply gravitate back to thoughts of her, just as the needle of a compass instinctively spins back to point northwards, no matter in which direction you turn the compass in trying to distract the needle from facing northwards. Your efforts will be to no avail; the all-powerful pull of the earth’s magnetic field, is always going to win the battle in deciding the position of needle. This is exactly how she possessed my mind.

The affair I had with this woman went very deep. I was clearly suffering from a bout of romantic love. My aim was to get as close to her as possible and to share precious moments together. Naturally I desired her sexually, as she is very attractive; she is the type of woman that any man would want. However this desire played a very minor role, in the drama. Our relationship was not about sex, it was much more profound than that: I was in love with her and she made me feel that she really loved me back. I often texted her: I love u and she would usually almost instantaneously reply with: I love u 2. 
 

Her affection for me was magical; she made me feel so very special and desired. Her voice was calming and erotic at the same time. She was my lover, my mother, my sister, my friend, my confidant; all bundled into one. She was the woman I had fantasised about, perfect in all senses of the word.

I told her on many occasions and I believed this to be absolutely true: I have never loved any other human being on this earth more than I love you, including my parents, my children and my wife, even in the times that I was madly in love with my wife. I also believe that I will never love anybody else as much I love you. There was something so special about this woman that no words can describe how I felt about her.

In Judaism there is a concept that at the conception of the foetus, while still in its mother’s womb a voice comes out from heaven and declares: The daughter of so-and-so is designated for so-and-so, for they are soul mates. I truly believed that this woman was my real soul mate, as strange as it may seem.

I remember on one Sunday afternoon my wife wanted to go out with me and my younger children. We went to a beautiful dam where there are magnificent gardens with lush grass and shady trees whose leaves rustle in the gentle breeze. There are ducks in the water waiting eagerly to be fed by the dam’s visitors. It was very pleasant and a happy time for me knowing that I had a good wife and beautiful children whom I loved dearly. Yet I was waiting for my lady friend to respond to my text message. Her phone was off and I could see that the message had not gone through. I left my phone in the car so that it would not occupy my mind and that I would put it aside and concentrate on enjoying the outing with my family. Yet I was not able to do so, I made every excuse I could find to go back to the car and switch on the hidden phone to see if my love had returned my call, but alas there was nothing. I felt a deep emptiness in my body and soul; I yearned for just a word, anything, just to have some contact with her. The feeling was uncontrollable and I became very sad and depressed as if a huge weight was pressing down on me. I was grasping for air but could not get enough to feed my yearning body starved of oxygen and life itself. I could not enjoy the time with my family; I could not enjoy anything at all. I could not live, until I heard from her!

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I have questioned myself over and over, again and again: What exactly was it about this woman that had paralyzed my free choice and rendered me so helpless for her love? What was it about her that infected me so?

Was it that I could never get enough of her smile, her laughter and gentle touch caressing my yearning body? Or maybe it was the taste of her sweet kiss from those Angelina Jolie lips that I imagined to be like juicy grapes nurtured by the soft delicate rays of the morning sun, still damp from the dew of the night. It always amazed me how she always managed to keep the moisture on her lips so perfectly balanced; they never felt too dry or too moist. Also how she had mastered the art of knowing exactly how hard to press them to mine with such precision, with the pressure neither too hard nor too soft. She could always ensure that just a comfortable amount of her moisture would pass from her lips to mine, so that her presence would linger on my body, even after she had drawn away. Every kiss was an exhilarating experience. Yet it was not that that attracted me so powerfully towards her. There was more, much more, to our relationship, it is this that I needed to discover.

The answer to this question has eluded me. Do we ever really know why we are attracted to one specific person?

What I can say though is that she knew how to make me feel like a real man. It was not once that she had said to me after not seeing her for some time, that if I did not have time to be with her then that was okay, but she asked if I could just come around to her place so that I could quickly give her hug and a kiss, because she missed me so very much.

She knew how to make me feel wanted, needed, loved and desired, but most of all she made me feel special, not just special, but special to her and that she so badly needed to feel my masculinity against her feminine body. To feel needed as a man was an exhilarating experience that I had not felt until I met her. This was her magic, her spell…. 

My manly instincts demand that I hunt down and seek-out a romantic lover who would love me in return. However, in my case it was complicated by my shy nature and huge complex about my height, which always made me feel self-conscience and lowered my self-esteem. It was hard for me to believe that I would be desired by a beautiful woman.

The fact that I was married with eight children, proved nothing in this regard. My marriage to my wife was basically arranged and my wife was as desperate as I was to marry. In her case I did not have to conquer her female heart and mind to acquire her love. Being married to her proved nothing.

The love of this woman on the other hand, counted as a major victory in terms of romance. She was a hooker; her profession was only to provide sex but not true love. If I could win her love and convince her to give up her profession and her many men for me, then I had proved something to myself. I had proved that I was worthy; I had proved that I was a real man!

Indeed the harder she made it and the more obstacles I had to overcome, the greater the achievement and the more rewarding it would be. At least I would die feeling like a boy who had matured into a man. This challenge is what gave new purpose to my life, so much more than serving a God of the Jews who I could not relate to. At last I had found what was missing in my life: experiencing romantic love with a woman.

Not only were my animal instincts and drives satisfied by this newly found treasure, but also my human intellect’s quest for meaning, was fulfilled by this strange relationship:

Wrapped up in the impurity of the underworld of sex, drugs, money and deceit; I had discovered a pristine, powerful and unique soul of a very special person. From the first time I met her it became my dream and deepest fantasy to free this imprisoned soul from the abyss of the underworld that she was immersed in. I desperately desired to rehabilitate her and help her become the very special person I knew she could be. I told her many times that I believed that she could change lives. I witnessed how she touched all those who came in contact with her; she has this special ability to make everyone around her feel special and needed. 

It was true that she came from a terrible background of abuse and torture. She was illegitimate and was made up of a mixture of all sorts of races, colours and creeds. She was wild and untamed, yet sophisticated; charismatic, brilliant and beautiful. Like a wild leopard; the most beautiful and gracious of all the cats; allusive yet majestic, fearless yet stealthy and intelligent. I yearned to tame this leopard in a way that she would remain powerful yet tranquil and would stun the world with her beauty. This became my dream, my fantasy, my goal and my purpose from here on forward.

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