An Ode to Loneliness

An Ode to Loneliness
 
I feared you like a dreaded disease,

And so to make sure you did not come my way,

I denied your existence, as I stood alone, 
Watching the other children play

Go away, go away! 
I scolded you; I’m not your friend! 
I will deny you till the bitter end

Yet, no matter how much I hated you,

And no matter how much I reprimanded you,

You remained loyal and always by my side,

So silent, so patient, waiting until I would finally agree

That you’re really not my enemy

I remember the day I visited a ‘friend’,

You were nowhere to be found,

At last he’s gone, I’ve won, I’ve won! I cried

But how wrong I was,

For, there you were,

Waiting so patiently just outside the door,

No, it’s not you again?!

I screamed in pain, 
When I found you at the entrance to his place

Go away, be gone with you, you’re not real, you’re a disgrace!

Then, there came a day in my life,

When I was abandoned by all,

First it was my mother then my father,

My children were to follow and finally my wife,

Some died; others made conditions that I could not fulfil,

Yet you remained with me, immortal, eternal, non-judgemental,

Always waiting so tolerantly, for all the others to say goodbye

In my struggle to get rid of you, I was always so depressed, so sad, so sad,

Until one day, a day of inspiration, a day of understanding and maturity

I decided to reject you no longer,

And in my curiosity to perceive you,

I embraced you, I felt you, caressed you

And allowed you in to my life, to be at my side and take up your rightful place

There would be no more denial, no more struggle…..

And to my surprise, on that day, finally,

I found the happiness that had eluded me all my years

Thank you old friend, for your loyalty and your friendship

For always being there for me when all the others deserted me one by one,

Thank you old friend, for never giving up on me

I know now that you will be there with me, 
Until the setting of my sun

And, how paradoxical is it all,

For even as I write these words for other humans to read and take pity on me,

I'm struggling so desperately for their attention 
In this most pathetic way

So that I may at last connect with my own kind.

But by doing so I'm not embracing you to the full,

And in this last gasp of desperation,

I'm secretly stabbing you in the back, so that you die,

Oh! How cruel and selfish am I?

To you, my loyal friend

Yet even though you know this to be the case,

You still refuse to give up on me,

Realising tis just a weakness of the human race

And so, once again, you wait so very patiently for me,

To realise that ultimately all my fellow kind are only concerned for themselves,

And finally give up all hope for their companionship 
Turning back to you once more,

To be as good a friend to you, 
As you have always been to me,

It is then that you get the loyal companion you have always truly deserved

CHAPTER 18: Puppet on a String

After receiving the okay to call her, I did so right away. I was very nervous, not sure what to expect, she seemed so unpredictable.

Hi, so how are you? She inquired with a giggle, as she answered my call, I’m so glad you called. It’s really good to hear your voice; I missed you! It was all as though nothing major had happened.

Thank you so much for taking my call, I said with a sense of urgency, trying to disguise my quivering voice as I spoke. Do you forgive me? I asked, not really knowing what crime I had committed that sparked her anger and in need of forgiveness.

Yes, I forgive you, she answered, I don’t want to talk about it, okay?!

Thank you so much, I replied with relief. Thank you, thank you!

So when will I see you? She asked with a sweet innocence in her voice, raising the pitch ever so slightly towards the end of her sentence.

Tomorrow, I replied, same time as usual?

That will be nice, I really missed you. See you tomorrow; she said, with a mischievous half giggle.

We did indeed meet the following day as scheduled and what a joyous reunion it was. She was back to her normal self; her magical touch was reassuring and it made me feel comfortable in her presence. The wild animal in her that had pursued me only days earlier; was now nowhere to be found. She had this amazing ability to metamorphose herself, almost at will. One day she could be full of anger and hate and the next day she would be the sweetest, most sensitive, loving, rose; which she was today. I really loved her when she was like this and thought to myself: There is nothing on earth that could make me happier than spending time with her.

The hour we spent together that day, just talking and enjoying each other’s company, sped by like a flash of lightening and before I knew it, it was time for me to leave. I needed to get home before anyone could detect that I had gone AWOL. Yes, in my other life my time was strictly monitored and I had to account for almost every minute of my day. I needed to get back to my repressive, restrictive existence where I was trapped and enslaved.

As I got into my car, she gestured to me to lower the window. She put her entire head through the open window and kissed me. Just know, she said: I really do love you and even if we fight and I don’t want to talk to you for a time, it’s not really me. Never give up on me, always come back to me; promise me that, okay! She sounded quite adamant. I promise, I replied obediently; although inwardly to myself, I questioned her sincerity, as the vision of her fierce burning eyes full of hatred, were still fresh in my memory.

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 From that time on our relationship continuously followed this same pattern: Without warning she would get terribly angry with me; then, insults, curses and threats would follow, as she warned me to stay away; this would last for a day or two. After that, she would not talk to me for days. I would keep on trying to get hold of her but she simply ignored me. Then amazingly, when I least expected it she would suddenly answer my call or even better she would be first to contact me out of the blue, to renew our friendship.

I’m not really quite sure what triggered her loss of patients with me that prompted her to push me away; like I said, she was totally unpredictable. I’m also not sure what made her decide to pull me back in when she did. All I do know is that she had the power to do this to me, time after time; at will. She was a skilled puppeteer who had mastered the art of having complete control of her puppet; she knew exactly which string to pull to achieve the desired reaction from her puppet.

It is clear that for every action we perform there is a reaction; however it takes great skill is to know exactly which action will bring about a desired reaction. When it came to manipulating me, she had mastered this art and I became putty in her hands, she could mould and form me as she pleased. I had absolutely no choice in the decisions I made when it came to dealing with her, it was all up to her and she knew it. Loving her so unconditionally placed me at her mercy. It was never about what she could give me or do for me; I was simply blindly in love with her. Just being allowed to love her was my greatest joy, I needed nothing more.

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When I was intoxicated by my emotions and drives for her I could not reason and I was then powerless in deciding my own destiny. This was most of the time, however there were flashes when my pre-frontal cortex sobered up and I could think clearly and rationally. On one such occasion I had made the decision that enough was enough and that I had to stop seeing her. If I really want it badly enough, which I do, then I can do it. The pain of living this double life has become unbearable and if I must choose which life to give up, it has to be the life I was living with her. I have a wife and children and a job, this life must surely come first?! I told myself in no uncertain terms. I will meet her face to face and tell her that it’s over. I need to be a man and confront her, I need to take control of my life and make this nightmare go away!

So, this is how I planned it to go down: She had this weird desire to be Jewish and knowing that I was a Rabbi she asked me to help her convert to Judaism. I made up my mind that as a parting gift I would give her a book on becoming Jewish. I arranged to meet her and took her the gift. This time I did not take any of my clothing off, I just stood there in her room, fully dressed.

This is goodbye, I said determinedly, as I handed her the wrapped book. This is a parting gift for you.

What do you mean? She replied, sounding confused and looking down at the package that she now held in her hands.

I’m not going to see you anymore, it’s just too difficult for me, I have to stop. I answered.

She was clearly upset and did not like the idea at all; I was a good steady source of income for her and she was not prepared to let this slip away from her so easily. She thought quickly and in desperation and she reminded me of an agreement that we had discussed to help me keep my costs down, but had not yet put into practice:

Remember the deal we were going to make? You give me 3,000 at the beginning of the month for my sons’ school fees, so that the pressure will be off me and I don’t have to work so hard. Then I can spend more time with you and can come and see me as much as you like. Let's do it okay? It will benefit both of us. I really don't want to lose you, please?!

In my heart of hearts, of course, I did not want to end our relationship, I was in love with this woman, I loved everything about her and at this moment, hated everything in my other life that was pulling her away from me. Again, there was an enormous internal struggle going on inside of me. I needed her to make the decision for me and I was truly relieved when she did. Without giving it a second thought, I agreed to the deal and we shook on it. So, once again we were back on track.

I gave her the 3,000 at the beginning of the month as we had agreed; however  every time I wanted to see her in lieu of that payment, she always had a different excuse as to why it was not convenient for me to see her at that particular time. In the end I saw her once or twice that month and all in all it ended up costing me more than it would have without the deal. This must have been the worst deal I have ever made in my life and it only lasted one month as it was clear to me that she would never honour anything given to her in advance.

Once again, she had won and I had lost; she pulled the strings and I responded exactly in the way she wanted me to. She kept me firmly entangled in her web; there would be no escape at this time, the tiny window of opportunity to set myself free from her, was shut tight and would not open again for a while.

Would I have been able to stay away had she not forced me into the deal? I don’t know and I never will.